still sick. my throat feels like there's a gargantuan melon stuck there, and the medicine isn't doing its job. some timing, right? i mean, i only go to japan in three days. yeesh.
so i sit here in front of a computer, doing something that doesn't require me talking.
this makes me realize (for some reason...) something. with nothing better to do, i decide to post this somewhat enlightening topic. you have neither to agree nor disagree-- all i ask is for you to listen.
before my years at canyon high school, i had been this introvert. i had friends, but they were also the quiet type around people they did not know well. i kept my true self under a cloak because i was too afraid to show it. needless to say, i am neither an introvert nor a reserved person anymore. i speak quite clearly what is on my mind, motivate others to do the same, and have been the greeter in numerous occasions. when did this all change...? it must have been the end of my freshman year. i had finally noticed that i was playing hide-and-seek with myself all along. and after three years of the real me in the public eye, i've refined myself into what i am now. the way i think has completely changed. the words i verbalize are more assertive, and my confidence has grown. some might consider this change irrational and for the worse. i'm sorry i can't please everybody. i'm constantly trying to polish myself, hone my strengths, defeat my weaknesses... everyone goes through this in their life.
why did i give you this brief history? well... to better know me, of course. some of my underclassmen friends have told me that i was the first person that walked up to them and conversed with them when they first joined band. i feel so delighted to hear such a thing-- it means that i am making someone feel accepted and welcoming them to talk to me. only an ex-introvert would know how it feels to be trapped inside this silencing mask. some of my best friends now express themselves freely, and many of them thank me for it. i know nothing else but to reply, "you're welcome.", but is it really me? sure, i have initiated a reason for these people to open their minds, but in actuality, i can't make someone do anything. so by free will, they have obliged to show themselves. for that, i applaud their courage. and thank them for their compliments.
which brings me to another thing i've noticed: kindness. it is despicable just how filthy human beings are. some honestly have abandoned the golden rule altogether. to think that fire is the only way to fight fire, that revenge is the only justice, that one only acts upon the mentioning of returned reward... we humans have become ugly. gandhi once said, "an eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind." well-- then we're all blind, aren't we? selfish, greedy, materialistic assholes.
yeah, there's truth in that. it's a wonder how we still exist. but then again, i sometimes witness true acts of kindness that will never leave my memory. and maybe this is the reason why we go on: finding genuine kindness within a living hell.
i sometimes hear about these tragic accidents where the witness wishes to remain anonymous. oh, how i admire those people. imagine, a man rescuing a boy from a burning building. he takes the child to safety, then disappears. the parents of the child would love to give a reward for the saving of their son, but the rescuer is nowhere to be found. if the man was like the majority of people living in this world, he'd have stayed the extra 15 minutes to report to the newscaster what he had just witnessed, the good deed he had done, and taken the reward from the family. it would have been announced on national tv that he had saved a little boy from a house engulfed in flames (a story obviously exaggerated) and the whole town would praise him for his wonderful deed. the headlines of a local newspaper would read: "a true hero", and a picture of his face would meet numerous pairs of eyes. he'd have his fifteen minutes of fame; he'd be famous.
but no; this man did not linger several minutes after the tragedy, did not wait for the police to come, refused to give a name. why? it boggles me that these anonymous people do what they do. fame, money, and praise? most people couldn't (and wouldn't) resist. to think that there still are people in this world whose actions aren't solely for the benefit of themselves reassures me that tomorrow will come. and for those of you who do come across this blog and fall into this category--people who call for help and then depart without a name of recognition-- thank you. i admire your doings. i know that people like you are out there, and it's magnificent that you don't need someone else to tell you just how wonderful you are. self-contentment will lead to true salvation.
more personally speaking, i've seen kindness in all sorts of shapes and forms. to me, they are essential in life. one day, i was stuck at school because i had accidentally locked myself out of my car. my spare keys were at my house, which i was willing to walk to go get. as i thought this, a friend by the name of dave hall comes over and sits next to me. "something wrong?", he asked. i told him about my dilemma, and he gives me a caring stare. "... maybe i can help you. hang on..." and he left me there to ponder. he didn't have a car... or even if he did, he had no license. i contemplated his words for a while, and then he came back. "hey, mai. my sister's on her way. she can take you to your house, and bring us back here." i was in complete shock with his words. they didn't quite register in my brain until minutes later. he smiled and said, "let's wait over there for my sister."
once in the car, i was introduced, and it suddenly hit me: i had never known dave even had a sister. and here she was, taking me to my house, helping me. our first encounter and she just smiled and said, "i know that if this happened to me, i'd want someone to do this for me, too." i had this warmth blanket me whole. i coudn't believe how kind they were. i bid farewell to her with a "thank you", and she just nods and says "no problem!" i looked at dave and he understood. "don't worry about it," was all he said.
dave, you may have forgotten about this incident, but i remember. i will remember eternally, your act of kindness that has touched my heart. and if you ever need anything-- i will be there. not that you asked me to, but solely out of kindness too scarce in this world in which we live.
i can name more. i've experienced the warmth that only true kindness gives. thanks to all those who have given their "share" of kindness to me, and i only wish to return my amount. but then again, kindness cannot be measured...
the kindness you give is the kindness you will receive in return. maybe not in an instant, maybe not even from the person you gave a dose to. but you will. trust me, you will.
thought of the day:
nothing is live is created. it's only transferred.
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